Style Invitational Week 927: Drive-by shoutings — Burma-Shave signs; plus winning faux-chemical names By Pat Myers,July 08, 2011 The Empress was besought recently to give another go to a contest we last did 12 years ago: It’s for mini-poems written in the style of the old Burma-Shave ads, which used to appear on pre-interstate roadsides as a series of six little signs, a few words at a time, either promoting the shaving cream or serving as a PSA to drivers, as in “Big mistake­ / Many make: / Rely on horn / Instead of / brake. / Burma-Shave.” Last time we asked for welcome signs to states or towns; this week we’ll stay closer to the original purpose: *Write a very short four-line “poem” promoting a product or company, or offering advice to drivers; the poem must rhyme, in ABAB or ABCB rhyme scheme. A fifth, non-rhyming line may state the product name or a conclusion. * Don’t make the lines more than three or four words each unless they’re very short. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cloth ball cap from Cluster Springs Sanitary Services Portable Toilet Rentals of Middle of Nowhere, Va. (a.k.a. Danville); the embroidered slogan on the back says, “You dump --it, we pump --it.” Donated by Loser Dave Komornik of Danville, who brought it up on a visit to Washington. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results published Aug. 7 (Aug. 5 online). Include “Week 927” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week’s results is by Tom Witte; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by chemical engineer Jeff Contompasis. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational , where the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at losers @ washpost.com (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in. *Report from Week 923*, in which we asked for new chemical terms: By far the most frequent submission was for “palinium”; we include two. Alas, the terms “honoring” presidential candidates are all for Republicans; there just weren’t any good Obama-themed entries. *The winner of the Inker:* *Binladium:* When combined with lead and immersed in water, it almost instantly disappears. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ 2. *Winner of the football made entirely of Bubble Wrap:* *Platitudinum: *A metal that becomes more dull each time it is used, yet somehow is never discarded. /(Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)/ 3. *Marionbarium:* Highly reactive with alcohol and other substances. Difficult to purge from the system long after peak effectiveness. /(Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.)/ 4. *Madoffium:* Catalyst capable of turning liquid substance, overnight, into absolutely nothin’. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *Byproducts & residue: Honorable mentions* *Palinium:* Its magnetic properties decrease by half every year, but never entirely dissipate. /(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)/ *Palinium: * A rigid, polarizing substance that appears to glow brightly when examined from the right side but appears to be a black hole when viewed from the left. (/Bill Nilsen, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)/ *Greecium:* A substance unable to stabilize because of its weak bonds./(Lawrence McGuire)/ *Tachygiftcardium: *What symbiotic organisms give off in late December. /(Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.) / *Nordegrenium: * Reacts violently with iron. /(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)/ *Led:* A heavy metal. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *Pepconium: *Theoretically capable of great bursts of energy, it becomes inert when in contact with water. /(Elden Carnahan)/ *Sulaimonoxide brownate: * Activated by silver. Decomposes in hot water. /(Marcy Alvo)/ *Newtium:* Heavy element found often in Iowa and New Hampshire. Bonds frequently but not permanently. Attracted to precious metals and gems. Emits an inaudible buzz. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/ *Abbottabadite:* One explosive compound./(Mark Eckenwiler)/ *Bieberium: *An element of little substance or weight; apparently harmless by itself, but added to any volume of shelium produces an earsplitting squeal. (/Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand) / *Weinerium:* Volatile element that expands, flashes and then self-destructs./(Nancy M. Lawrence, Annandale, Va.)/ *Ryanide poisoning:* A toxic reaction exacerbated by inadequate medical care. /(Kathy El-Assal, Middletown, Wis., a First Offender)/ *Bachmannium:* Similar to palinium in its dullness and abrasive properties but is lighter in weight despite being more dense. /(Scott I. Berkenblit, Baltimore, a First Offender)/ *Sellulose:* Superabsorbent substance that sucks value from whatever it touches; commonly used as home insulating material in the past decade. (/Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md., a First Offender)/ *Arsenice:* Especially in those genes. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *Debtceilium:* Toxic gas that expands to infinity unless contained. /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)/ *Cantonite: *Causes headaches in married women. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ * **Jockabromide:* Common substance found in locker rooms that never fails to yield 110 percent one day at a time. /(Ira Allen) / *Silicone bimboxide:* Compound that causes swollen protuberances on the upper torso. /(Dixon Wragg)/ *Tatanium:* New marketing name for silicone. /(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Alumnium:* The metal used to make class rings. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.)/ *Romneyum:* Key ingredient of modern plastic; noted for reversing polarity at will. /(Stephen J. Kelley, Sykesville, Md., a First Offender) / *Stromtium 90:* Reproductive agent that remains potent throughout an exceedingly long half life./(Ira Allen)/ *Next week: History in the remaking,* or *Jesterday*